But I Never Told Him
by Lattelady
Summary: ArchT'Pol romance. T'Pol looks back on her life and the impact that Jonathan's love had on it and her.


5

Star Trek belongs to the Paramount and Viacom.

RATING: PG

Timeframe: 48 years after Enterprise returns to earth.

**Story 1 in the Falls Behind **series. The intent is that if one dies first, the other falls behind. I like to believe that Jonathan, the human, would have gone first, would wait to go on to where ever _beyond_ is for T'Pol. The stories are NOT in chronological order. But are moments between Jon and T'Pol that create a lifetime together.

_**Falls Behind, Story 1: **_

But I Never Told Him

_**By**_

Lattelady 

T'Pol sat and watched the sunset and the stars come out as she had done everyday of her life for the last 40 plus years. But the last two weeks it had been different, because now she was watching them alone. Two weeks ago her husband and bond mate had died. Getting up from her seat on the porch of their home at Stinson Beach, just north of San Francisco, she went to the kitchen to brew her nightly cup of mint tea.

As she worked she forgot for a moment that she was alone on a cold foreign planet, and as she had done for years, she pulled down two cups and filled them with the fragrant tealeaves. It wasn't until she was pouring boiling water into the second cup that it hit her; there was no one to drink it but her.

"Oh, Jonathan," she murmured as she set down her kettle. They had known from the beginning that this was the inevitable out-come of their union; what she hadn't expected was that it would be so difficult.

There was a time in the beginning when he would have left her to spare her this, but that was before he understood that Vulcans bonded for life. When their minds and bodies joined for the first time, the damage had been done. She often told him that she would rather have the short span of a human lifetime with him, than the years and years allotted to a cold logical Vulcan bonding.

Taking her tea back outside she thought back to those early days. They had been adversaries that gained a grudging respect for each other. From there it moved to an uneasy alliance, which became friendship. When it had all changed, she wasn't sure. The attraction between them had been recognized early on, but both tried to ignore it. The politics of the situation making it too much of a complication on his part, and for her, the thought of mating outside of her species was unheard of.

"Oh my love," she whispered as she looked at the stars he loved, only second to her. "Was it all worth it? It cost you so much." She felt heaviness deep in her chest, which she recognized as strong emotion. She had been fighting it since the night he died in her arms.

They had let the freedom they experienced being so far away from Star Fleet and the Vulcan High Command delude them into thinking that their future was their own. She supposed she had lived on Earth too long, because looking back she realized that the damage had been done the moment she stepped into his office and handed him her orders transferring her to his command.

"T'Pol," she had forgotten that ever since Jon's death, Trip and Hoshi Tucker had made it a habit of stopping by to check on her at night.

"On the porch," she called out as she took a deep breath and schooled her face to show no emotion. She had never been able to fool Jon, after their second year on Enterprise, and Hoshi would pick up her body language if she wasn't careful, but Trip was a different story.

"You're goin'ta freeze out here if you don't bundle up warmer than that." Trip was careful to take the rocker opposite her and avoid the space on the porch swing that he knew had always been Jonathan's. For as long as he could remember he had watched the couple sit together, the Captain with his arm draped around his wife.

"I am perfectly all right, Commander." T'Pol still called him by his original title, though she knew he was an Admiral, in charge of engineering at Star Fleet. "Was there something you needed?" Her brow rose into her silver dusted dark bangs.

"Yeah," he took a breath and gathered his courage. He had deliberately left Hoshi at home because he knew she thought T'Pol needed more time to grieve, but from where he was standing, she wasn't letting herself do much of that. "I came to talk about Jonathan."

Rising and putting her cup down, she stood straight in her old familiar pose with her hands folded neatly behind her back, and strode to the rail over-looking the sea. "That is not a subject I wish to discuss."

"I'm not dyin' to do it either, but I promised Jonathan."

"Trip, please no." Her voice sounded small and in pain, he doubted anyone but her husband had ever heard her use that tone. "I know you never approved of our marriage. It cost him so much."

"Now girl, you listen to me, Jonathan Archer was my best friend. I loved him like a brother, and you made him happy. That was all that was important to me." He wished she would turn around and look at him; he wanted to know if he was saying the right thing. "And what about the cost to you? You lost your home, your family, and all the people you knew before, as well as a career."

He wasn't sure she was listening, but he had to try. When Jon had realized that he was dying he had made Trip and Hoshi promise that they would make sure T'Pol would be all right. It was something they would have done even without the promise. They both liked and respected the Vulcan woman.

"The cost to me was insignificant, because I had him." Her voice was soft and breathy, but it carried all the pain she was feeling, but hide so well. "Why would I ever want to return to Vulcan, my presence on Enterprise had put my loyalties into question, and I've lived here so long now, I would be out of place there, even if they wanted me back."

She finally tuned around while picking up her cup, and slowly sipped her tea. "By joining with me, it cost Jonathan his career. They made him an Admiral, but it was a title that held nothing of importance due to his Vulcan wife. I wasn't to be trusted, and it cast a shadow on him.

"And children, I know he would have liked children. Vulcans and Humans aren't compatible in that way. The Archer line died when he did." Jon had always told her it didn't matter, that all he wanted was her, but she still felt the guilt, another one of those earth-learned emotions that had been nagging at her lately.

"Honey, it looks to me like you both paid the same price." Trip could see there was something still bothering her, and wasn't sure what to do about it. "Now all you gotta do is decide if it was all worth it."

"But don't you understand, I knew the price that would be paid, and he didn't. That night so long ago on Enterprise, when we finally, _when the bond was formed_, I knew, _but I never told him_." She closed her eyes and again felt the torrent of emotion that had swept through them the first time they made love and every time after that. "I knew there would be no going back for either of us, but I let it happen anyway."

Trip was struck speechless. He had always known that Jon loved T'Pol with an intensity that let him give up everything he had ever wanted, to be with her. What he had never realized was that the love was returned by the slight Vulcan woman, in equal measure. It made him long for his warm bed and his wife that he knew was waiting for him. He knew that sometime in the years to come either Hoshi or he would have to face the future alone, but it would only be for a short time in comparison to a Vulcan lifespan. He couldn't imagine what it must be like for the brave woman who had loved his friend so much. She was exiled to a cold alien world and would live decades with only memories.

"He knew, years ago, he told me so. He understood that Vulcans didn't take bondin's lightly, cause it was a lifetime commitment. He loved you enough to put his desires aside in an attempt to protect you from what your people would think, but more importantly, from what you're goin' through now." He was embarrassed to let her know that her husband had talked about the prospect of an intimate life with her, but it was more important that she realize that Jonathan would have done anything to keep her safe, even give her up. "I guess he just needed someone to talk to who he could trust. He loved you a lot, even back then."

"How could he have known? That information isn't in any data base that I know of." T'Pol looked doubtful, but there wouldn't be any reason for Trip to lie to her.

"I gather you and Jon had been having regular meditation sessions." He shrugged having a hard time meeting her eyes. "It's in one data base I can think of." He nodded toward her head.

"In those early days he didn't have the capacity to go deep enough to see anything of that magnitude, I must have wanted him to see it." She wondered why she would have done such a thing. Her only answer was an unconscious effort to put them on an equal footing.

"You want to come and spend the night with Hoshi and me?" She still looked upset and that in itself threw him for a loop, but she seemed to be doing a bit better.

"No. Thank you for offering. I'll be all right. I've still got some things to think about. Thank you, Trip, Hoshi is a lucky woman." She led him around the side of the house and watched him leave.

After making a fresh cup of tea she returned to the porch and the stars. Leaning against the rail she looked up and could see the lights from the newly constructed McKinley Station, but she looked further out than that. Out into the deep unknown of space that had been first traveled by a star ship named Enterprise.

She let all the memories flow back, of the work, the pain, the anger and the explosive passion. Yes it had all been worth it. "Jonathan," she whispered to the vast depths that had been their first playground. "I love you so much and I wouldn't have traded a moment of it for all the cool logic in the universe." For the first time in all her long years she felt tears slip down her cheeks.

In that moment the voice of the sea below her echoed with a deep whisper she knew so well. "I'm always with you, my love." It made her feel warm and safe like she did when his arms had been around her.

_Was it possible? She had been _holding_ him when he died._ If he had been Vulcan, there would have been no doubt. _ Was a Katra part of the human metaphysical make-up?_ They often talked of a soul, but she doubted it was the same. Then she knew. A part of Jonathan would always be with her, until the time they would be together for all eternity.

THE END 


End file.
